


Our Last

by rachlovesligers



Category: Agent Carter (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-07-08 03:01:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19862416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachlovesligers/pseuds/rachlovesligers
Summary: Peggy's happy to find out she's expecting, but Steve's lack of enthusiasm leaves her feeling uneasy.





	Our Last

**Author's Note:**

> Content warning: miscarriage
> 
> Written for Steggy Week 2k19  
> Day 3 (Wednesday): Firsts and lasts

Peggy was thrilled, which was unexpected. Their third child – their last child, or so they’d thought – was past the tantrums and bed-wetting and was finally settled in school.

After years of always having a baby or toddler in the house, their lives had finally felt settled, and Peggy could really devote her energy to running S.H.I.E.L.D. now that her children’s needs were less demanding. It should’ve been the worst timing for an unplanned pregnancy, and yet when the doctor confirmed her suspicions, joy had bubbled up in her chest.  _ Another baby. _

Steve didn’t seem to share her enthusiasm, which threw her, considering how he’d reacted to the last three.

“I thought you’d want this, you’re in your element with a newborn,” Peggy questioned him.

“I  _ do _ want it.” His tone was stubborn, but he didn’t look up from his book.

“You’re not excited.”

Steve swallowed, but didn’t make any further comment.

She watched him, trying to decipher his mood. Under her scrutinising gaze, he finally relented and put the book aside.

“Of course I’m excited, I love our children, you know I’d raise twenty children with you if I could.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I just…” He sighed heavily and rubbed his temple. “We’ve finally found a rhythm with the kids’ schedules and your job, we’ve got more time for each other than we’ve had in years… it just–” he inhaled deeply, shaking his head. “It’s just the timing.”

Peggy felt her brows pull together as his words sunk in. “You weren’t worried about the timing when we found out I was expecting June.”

A tough delivery coupled with the toll of caring for a newborn had been more overwhelming than Peggy had expected. It had taken her a long time to recover – physically and mentally – after their first.

As soon as it had seemed like there was a light at the end of the tunnel, they’d found out they were expecting again. To say Peggy was a wreck would be an understatement, Steve had been her rock.

He picked up his book, ran his fingers up and down the edges.

“Four children is a lot, is all.”

Steve didn’t meet her gaze, and that made her uneasy. He wasn’t being honest with her.

* * *

Steve’s incessant hovering didn’t do anything to soothe the uneasy feeling in the pit of Peggy’s stomach. It wasn’t a surprise for him to be particularly attentive, given her condition, but this felt different, and she couldn’t quite put her finger on why.

He asked her how she was feeling. A lot. Which she put down to her age – she was in her forties now, though only just – carrying a child was considerably more exhausting than it had been ten years earlier.

Steve stayed close, ready to step in at any moment, should she need him. He watched her when he thought she wasn’t looking.

When she attempted to pick up a full basket of laundry Steve almost had a heart attack, rushing to pull it out of her grip.

“I’ve got it,” he said.

“I think I can manage. Michael weighs twice as much.”

“You’re carrying this up and down the stairs?” His tone was accusing.

She rolled her eyes, but didn’t reply. This wasn’t the hill she was going to die on.

So she let Steve hover and fuss, mostly because she truly was exhausted. But when she slipped on the freshly mopped kitchen floor, she finally figured out what was different about Steve’s fussing this time around.

Steve launched himself towards her as she fell and caught her before she hit the ground. She let him pull her up, and expected that to be the end of it, but he pulled her close against his chest.

He was shaking as he pulled back, keeping her in the circle of his arms.

“Are you alright?”

She blinked, confused. “Nothing happened, Steve, you caught me.”

He considered her words for a moment. “Maybe we should head to the doctor, just to be sure.”

She let him know in no uncertain terms what she thought of that suggestion, and he knew better than to push it. But it made things clear – there was an edge of fear to his attentiveness.

* * *

Steve wasn’t used to being surprised, so when Peggy had told him she was expecting again, it had really thrown him for a loop.

Steve tried to get excited, he really did, but everything in him protested against it. Bruce’s explanation of time travel had been pretty cut and dry – his past was his past, it was unchangeable. Which meant that everything in his current life was set, because it had already happened, in a sense, while he’d been comatose in the Arctic.

He’d put that to the test a little, trying to change some minor things, but something always got in his way and he ended up right back where he was supposed to be. As far as he could tell, everything that was supposed to happen was going to happen, no matter what he did.

Which didn’t worry him too much, most of the time. He tried not to dwell on things, he knew bigger picture it was for the best. Everything led to defeating Thanos. He focused on his family, his incredible wife, their three hell-raising children.

He was truly happy for the first time in a long time. Everything felt in its place, until Peggy told him she was pregnant with their fourth child. He had felt ecstatic for a brief moment, until he remembered the files he’d meticulously read, the photos on her nightstand at the nursing home. Peggy Carter only had three children.

He hoped to god he was wrong.

* * *

Peggy left work earlier than usual, on a gloomy, downcast day. A storm was due that night, and she was feeling out of sorts. She turned in early and left Steve to put the children to bed.

When she woke up, she wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but Steve hadn’t joined her yet. Rain thrashed against the window, and as Peggy shifted, she felt a dampness between her legs.

Ice cold fear radiated through her – she was bleeding.

She pulled back the covers just as the bedroom door clicked shut. When she met Steve’s gaze, the pain that tightened his features did nothing to dampen her anger.

“You knew.” It wasn’t a question.

Steve blinked quickly. “I wasn’t sure… I thought–” his mouth opened and shut but nothing came out.

“You  _ knew,”  _ she repeated, her voice breaking. “You let me get excited. You listened to me talk about bringing the cot down from the loft, and you didn’t say  _ anything _ to warn me!”

Her cheeks were wet but all she felt was red hot anger. She wanted to hurl something across the room.

“Peggy, I’m sorry, I…”

His bottom lip shook in a way that would usually break her heart, but she felt so betrayed, so disappointed, that there wasn’t room for much else.

He made a move towards her and she snapped.

_ “Get out!”  _ she screamed.

Thick silence filled the space between them as Steve stood frozen, until a wail pierced the air. She’d woken Michael up.

He left the room as a wracking sob tore through Peggy’s chest. She was as cross with herself as she was with Steve, she knew better than to get so excited so early.

* * *

Peggy bit down on the towel to muffle her cries. Every time she thought the worst of it was over, her body made it clear how wrong she was. She has no idea how much time had passed.

The flow of tears were unrelenting. She felt like she’d been hollowed out, like everything inside her was being poured away. By the end she’d be surprised if there was much left of her.

She wanted to feel numb, instead she felt a gut-wrenching loss which didn’t make sense to her. She had three beautiful children, she hadn’t planned for any more.

Peggy did what she could to clean herself up, though her body didn’t feel like her own. The energy it took was overwhelming, and she sank down to the floor heavily, wrapping her arms around herself.

A knock on the bathroom door made her jump.

“I finally got Michael back down.” Steve’s voice was thick, she heard him sniff before he spoke again. “I’m right here, just shout if you need me.”

“I need you.” She forced the words out although her throat was dry as sandpaper. Surely it was too quiet and broken for him to hear.

She opened her mouth to repeat it just as the door was thrust open with a shove. The metal lock pinged across the tiled floor, and she stared down at the twisted brass. He’d broken the door down.

“You’ll fix that tomorrow.” Her usual commanding tone didn’t sound quite right, but Steve nodded as he knelt down beside her.

He watched her, waiting until she met his gaze.

“I’m sorry,” she said around another sob.

Steve scooped her up, pulling her into his lap. He held her so tight she felt light she was being crushed, yet it wasn’t tight enough. Her face was pressed against his neck, wet cheeks on hot skin. His familiar scent was a small comfort.

“I should’ve warned you,” he said eventually. His voice was so quiet she wasn’t sure if he was talking to her or himself.

“Why didn’t you?” It wasn’t an accusation. She wasn’t angry with him anymore.

Steve pressed his face to her hair while he steadied his breathing. It was clear he’d been crying too.

“I thought maybe… maybe I was wrong. Maybe this would work out.”

Peggy didn’t know how to respond, but luckily Steve didn’t seem to expect an answer. She squeezed his hand and he kissed her forehead in reply.

He shifted her gently so he could put a towel where she needed it, then he held her close.

The world seemed to shrink to their bathroom, to Steve holding her in his ridiculously large arms, to the seafoam green tile and pale pink fixtures that Steve detested, but had insisted she choose if it made her happy.

She focused on the soothing way the rise and fall of his chest moved her up and down. Peggy was familiar enough with loss to know that nothing eased it better than time, but at least now she had Steve to share the burden. Someone to lean on, literally as well as figuratively.

For the first time she glanced at the clock and realised how long she’d been laying in Steve’s arms on their bathroom floor.

He followed her gaze and seemed to have the same thought, frowning as he sat up straight. 

He looked down at the towel. “Do we need to get you to a hospital?”

Peggy curled into him, she couldn’t face anything like that just yet.

“I can ask Mrs Clark to watch the children.”

“No.”

_ “Peggy.” _

“I said  _ no _ .”

Steve squeezed her gently, and that was that.

She’d humour him in the morning and visit her doctor. Not that there was anything that could be done.

Steve helped her clean up again, his hands were so gentle. As he fussed over her she noticed the dampness on his cheeks and the tears trapped in his thick lashes.

She touched his cheek and he looked up at her, waiting. She pressed her cheek to his as her hand wrapped around the back of his neck, holding him to her.

“I love you,” she whispered.

When she let go, he lifted her in his arms and carried her to their bedroom. He put her down on the bed so gently, as though she was made of glass. She didn’t feel fragile, she felt rough, all sharp jagged edges as the pain of loss coursed through her again.

She blinked away more tears – how on earth did she have any left? – and Steve’s hand around hers brought her back to herself.

“Hey,” he whispered as he sat down on the bed next to her. “We’ll get through this.”

“I know,” she murmured, as his thumb rubbed soothing circles against her wrist. She fell asleep with Steve smoothing her hair back from her face, and only woke for a moment when he climbed into bed behind her.   
  



End file.
